So it's been awhile... a long while... but I dont have anything new for you... not really anyway. What I do have is my love for a fairly new website, that Derick told me about tonight. Called Omegle, it's pretty much a one on one chatroom, with infinite possibilities.
Derick told me that all he gets are furries and scataholics, but I seemed to get a fairly intelligent person, at least for my first try. We did slip into some 4chan talk at the end, but all in all, it was quite engaging. And now I want to post it. So here you go, unedited, and uncut. Enjoy! (It's under a cut, because it is LONG!)( Yah, click it... and ENJOY )

Life continues to elude me I think. I always feel like I get so close to grabbing at everything I want, like a small child chasing after butterflies with a net. It/they always end up making their grand escape, whether im aware of it or not.
It's something i've gotten entirely used to, and really have come to expect it.

I feel like I am however making some manner of slight progress in making this year better than some of the more recent ones. I feel like I have very well defined goals that need to be accomplished. Goals like getting divored finally, buying a home of my own, becoming even more adult than I have had to force myself to be in the last 6 years.

March is an interesting month for me. It makes me think back to meeting Auna. Six whole years ago we met, and ended up creating something that was amazing, although neither of us knew it at the time.

I was only ankle deep in TCC at this time six years ago, and it was all about to come crashing down.
I can honestly say that I dont remember alot of what transpired during the weeks following finding out about Rebecka. I remember feeling a complete lack of care or regard for my academic future, and that is why I ultimately flunked out.
I remember specific arguments Auna and I had regarding out future, and the fact that neither of us had known each other long enough to be able to read each other properly definatly amounted to a seriously high number of fights and unnessasary outburts.

Now I flash forward to when Auna left, and all the insanity that ensued over that. Her utter lack of care or regard for her own child. Sometimes i'm amazed at my ability to adapt to each situation and fake my way through it best as I can.
I am like a sly chameleon sometimes. And it amazes even myself...


And now it's off to work for me.
Have a good one internet world...

So I saw Guttermouth live tonight at Hell's Kitchen on 6th Ave. they played with 3 other bands, but I didnt watch them. I just got really really drunk.

Then I pushed people around at the actual Gutermouth Show. It was amazing.
I got a water bottle from the band after the show, and told Mark that they better come back and they could shove popsicles in my ass at the show if they did.

I drank alot tonight and this is an usual experiance for me... I feel good about it and bad at the same time.

Adam Shelton told me tonight that it was my fault Derick moved out, becuase I let Tim stay here for too long. I feel like a dickhead now for various reasons. I dunno if Adam was being a cock, or if he was telling the truth. Either way I still feel like an incredible douchebag.

Also I ran into Angie Bendict, who I had an imense crush on in High School. She was at Magoo's, with a shit load of other high school people. She had a little girl, Teryn, approx. 2 years ago and she looks amazing still.
We talked about having a play date with her daughter and mine, but we will see what happens.
Then Adam started kissing on her and being a sly fox like I am not.
I wanted to kill him with my bare hands.


Why am I posting this on the internet...

I'm going to bed.

Got to see B to the Renda tonight, she is in T-Town for the weekend and she is always a blast to hang out with.

I also sang Karaoke for the first time in a real live bar in my lifetime, which was something of a secret i'd been keeping... now I feel like I am awesome and should do so all the time.

Song's I sang tonight, in order:

The Killer - When You Were Young
My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Prmoise)
Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun

I picked them because they are some of my favorite songs, but some of my favorite artists, and I feel like I rocked the ever loving SHIT out of MCR... but yah... I digress.

I am going to bed. I am tired, and must work soon.

Night

So it is the tail end of Rebecka's 5th Birthday.
It is strange to think that five years have passed since that day. I have pictures of that day. Pictures that show the raw emotion of a child coming into the world, it's pretty intense.

I feel like I dont do enough though. I always feel like I dont do enough.
We stayed up kinda late last night, the Gateway to India christmas party was a blast last evening and then we came home and watched old Christmas shows and fell asleep on the couch. We finally relocated to bed around 5 am or so.

We had a easy going morning and went to lunch with Auna and her new baby, and Auna's boyfriend. It was civil beyond belief and really good for Rebecka I think. After lunch she opened presents and we had cake.
We went home and got our bearings on the rest of the day, and she played with some of the new stuff she got.
We decided that we would go and see my dad and Kris at their house and have cake and ice cream there. We then went and saw Bolt together and then I dropped her off at her mom's house around 9 or so.

It all fits in once paragraph and that makes me feel bad in a way.
I feel like I dont do enough for her sometimes. I don't know why I have that feeling, but I just do.
It seems like no matter how hard I try I can't shake a little bit of a funk that I have sometimes.

I was hoping to write alot more about this all, but i'm extremely tired now for some reason.

Maybe i'll amend this later...

Just on paper instead of here.
A notebook sits on my desk, and i've been writeing how I feel about everything with Auna, and Rebecka, and all the maddness that has ensued over the last years.
It seems strange that i'm no longer in a relationship sometimes.
I dont know why. Or what it is that i'm feeling really. I wonder what I miss, the cuddling, the sex, the comradery, the safety, or any other random combination of these things, plus a million others I cant list.

All the things I want out of life, they all seem outside of my grasp.
I want everything for Rebecka. I mean everything.
I want her to feel safe, and I want her to know I want to be there for her.
It breaks my heart when she asks me when her birthday party is, because it's so hard to plan such a thing on your own. I mean invitations, party planning, location (my apartment is hardly large enough for a small get together of friends, let alone a party), gifts, food, games... everything. It cost's money, all of it.
Money that I dont have.
I'm barely scraping by each month. I pay my rent, halved with Tim, and the other bills: Power, Internet, TV, and Credit Cards, plus that stupid car payment for the car that Auna drives. Everytime I talk to her about it, she gets all upset and offended and wants to know how she will get around if she has to give up the car, or we sell it, or what. I kick myself in the ass for being such a spineless coward everyday.

It's snowing outside, and i'm listening to Jimmy Eat World, and I just want to melt. I want to be carried away by something, and be told that everything will be allright.
I want to walk endlessly, till my cheeks are red, and I know in my lungs what it is to be alive. I want to feel accomplished in something, instead of simply scratching lines of text off my never ending notes to myself.

Right now, it's all christmas lists, and scrapbooking projects for Rebecka's school.

My landlord hasnt taken the rent out of my account yet, but when they do, I will have enough for the 3 online payments i've scheduled, and the car payment. Everything else is food money, and the last 15% or so of my christmas shopping.
Santa Claus is going to be very good to Rebecka this year, but how come Santa stops bring gifts to good little 24 year old boys who follow the rules, and do as they are told.
Why can't he fill my stocking with hope, love, understanding.... something. Anything! I just need something. I can't keep going on like this... I need to know that why I am doing is right.
I need to understand that i'm making a difference, and not just surviving. As so many cliche's have been said in the past, I dont just want to survive, I want to live.

As much as I love snuggling with my little booboo, who is almost 5 years old. It is getting trying for us to share a twin bed... it's pathetic... like something out of Charles Dicken's.

It melt's my heart, dont get my wrong, when she snuggles up to me and says "your the best daddy I ever had".
But she deserves her own bed, just as much as I do.
My weekly and weekend life are so very different, I go to bed at 11 or 11:30 on weekdays, and can barely pull myself out of bed at 8 am because we share a bed.
On the weekends, when it's just me (she is with my mom, or like this weekend, her mom) I can go to bed at 3 am, wake up 2 different times during the night, and get out of bed with no problem to get ready for work.
I used to think it was insomnia, or something else, but it seems equally plausible that Rebecka kicking me in the ribs every half hour to hour during the night is keeping me from getting any rest.

It's still snowing, and as exciting as that is to me because I love it so. I hope it doesnt jepordize my ability to make money at work tommorow by keeping people home.
I need to make as much money as possible while I can. The new year is just around the corner, and with it comes another chance for me to start my life anew. Starting off on the right foot... but if I cant make enough money to put away for rent next month, then I dont know what I will do... borrow money from a friend or co-worker I guess.
I already borrowed money from my sister so I could go to Costco this last month...


i'm pathetic.

Why can't I just catch a break? When my car got hit by the school bus 2 years ago, or whatever, I squandered that money. When my mom sold the house, and gave my sister and I a cut of it, I squandered that as well. Why was I so stupid? I keep rediculously good bank records, and it's painful to go back and look at that.
If I had 4 grand in my bank account right now, I would be happy than a pig in shit. But instead I have barely enough to make it by each month...

My head is spinning. Maybe I will go for a walk in the majesty of the white coming from the sky.
Goodnight...

I will continue to post here because i feel like venting, i dunno why though
I just feel so lonely all the time...
Dont get me wrong, Rebecka is amazing and I dunno what I would do without her... but I just feel so lost lately

I've spent decent chunks of the last 3 days at the Hospital with my mom, she had surgery on friday. She had to have part of her lower intestines removed and then worked on, it was the culmination of a long period of therapy, and doctor's visits and multiple prognoses.. this was just the end result.
She seems to be doing fine, they will be taking her catheter out tommorow i guess, and she may be able to begin on solid food again... but we will see.
Tonight I spent about 5 1/2 hours there with her, we took a walk, and watched a movie, we talked, which by the way she told me that my aunt (her sister) thought at one point (before Rebecka was born) that I was gay - something I had no inkling of.
It was interesting to find out.

In contrast to that, there are these 2 cute girls that work in the quad that my mom is staying in, and guess what their names are? Rebecca, and Becky... its rediculous.
I'm sure there is some kind of patient family/employee barring... and I literally dont have the guts to hit on anyone at a hospital.. or anywhere for that matter. But they are both really sweet and caring, and they are doing a good job with my mom.
Like I said, I guess i'm just lonely...

In terms of women that are completely out of reach in the general sense, there are 2 women I am completely and utterly fascinated with right now... and it isnt something that I feel will go away anytime soon.
However.. one is older, and one is younger. By wide margins. It's literally a rediculous premise... and thats all we will say on that matter.

I feel like everytime I meet someone who I am compatible with there are all kinds of rediculous boundaries that bar me from ever getting close to them...

I am starting to feel ill for some reason... so i'm gonna log this one away, i'll continue my rediculous ramblings later...

bye

hello world, i think i'm depressed...

i dont know what to do half the time anymore... i feel sick... i feel tired
why cant i get enough sleep? i am really always tired...
maybe i am dying? i wish i could afford a doctor, that would be nice...

i found out about Pandora radio, and i've been listening to all kinds of wickedly awesome music...

halloween was yesterday, Rebecka was very excited, and i was as well for the most part... i didnt finish my own costume though, it may be the first year in... forever i didnt have a costume... i think that is eating me up a little bit right now, Rebecka was a fairy princess though, it was a very cute costume... i made the wings, they were awesome

halloween was also partially depressing because i walked past 2-3 houses with Becka that were having huge parties (friday night and all) and were full of people around my own age... and it just made me sad i didnt get any invites to a party myself (not that i'd have been able to go anyway)

the important thing however is that Rebecka had a good halloween, which i am under the impression she did

its been quite a while since i made a post here... i always think about it, but never really get to this point for some reason...
half the time i feel like no one cares what i have to say, then i remember this is a blog mostly for me... to go back and read later... a public diary of sorts...

i watched Donnie Darko tonight, by myself, because i was lonely and sad and it made me feel better in a strange way, im not really sure why...
the scene where Gretchen runs out of class upset at the bullies who brought up her mom and step-dad and Donnie chases her so they can talk, and she just turns around and they kiss passionatly, because he is something beautiful in her life... i was in awe for some reason during this viewing
i've seen the movie a million times, but for some reason i just felt so much more emotioally attached this time...

also, did you know that the actor who plays the main bully (along with seth rogan) is actually the lead singer from phantom planet? i didnt till tonight...

in 3 days i will be rejoiceing at the victory of Obama, and maybe i will no longer be rediculously depressed... just maybe

So, I havnt gone to the movies an awful lot lately, mostly because I simply wait for what should be a good kid's movie and then go with Rebecka to see that. We saw Kung Fu Panda last week, and it was cute and everything but really nothing super spectacular (although it had alot of great actors doing the voices, especially David Cross!!!). It will definatly be a movie I buy for Rebecka on DVD when it comes out and all that jazz.

However tonight we went and saw WALL-E because I knew I wouldnt see her for the next few days, as after the movie I took her out to my mom's for 4th of July weekend. I have to work, and her school is closed for these next 2 days (plus the weekend). So it was easiest on everyone for he to go and spend the next couple of days with Grandma.

Anywho, back to the movie. WALL-E was amazing. Simply amazing. I laughed, I cried (alot) actually, and I felt more moved by a movie than I have in a long time. And the movie was computer animated, and about robots (who are supposed to be cold, unfeeling machines).
I feel like it may be the best movie I have seen in a very long time, I am all up for seeing it in the theatre again soon with anyone who may be intersted in experiencing the greatness that was this movie.

No real spoilers beyond here, but if you care to walk into a film without having read anything about it, then now is your chance to walk away!!




For the most part, the first section of the movie has no dialogue whatsoever. It is well crafted in that respect, simply letting you take in the sights (or lack thereof in the movies world) and come to understand your mostly silent (beeps and clicks) protagonist, WALL-E (which stands hilariously enough for Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth Class). I feel like the movie could have entirely been about the interactions WALL-E has with his environment and a sole cockroach companion if they had wanted it to, but what kind of movie would that have been? A good one, but one without the zing that Pixar always has to offer.
Things change in the next part of the movie when a space probe of sorts, whose name/callsign is revealed later to be EVE, comes down to earth and begins to scan everything in sight.

Now anything I tell you beyond this point would be incredibly telling of the general story of the movie, and it's greatness, and you should just go see it for yourself. All I will tell you now is what I have already told you above, this movie is fabulous. I have seen all of Pixar's movies, hell I think I own all of then on DVD as well, but I cannot wait for this to come out. I have already decided that I am buying it on BluRay and having a movie party surrounding it.

Watching it in a movie theatre I feel I have to keep my emotions in check, and if I hadnt had Rebecka there with me, as well as countless other people around me, I would have lost it completely. The movie is sad at times, but for the most part I was crying because I was happy. Happy that there are people out there that understand... they do. They obviously understand life, and love... and everything.
I wish that one day I can understand, for real, and not from an outside perspective.
Rebecka was genuinely worried about me as well, because I think that was the first time she had seen me cry, at least publicly. She is too young still to fully understand the movies message, but I caught wind of it from the moment I met the main character.

The film isnt without its flaws however, which I will not delve into here, but the latter half of the movie has a few things I would have corrected in the general story line.

Anywho, this has chugged on and i'm ready for bed and a possibly crazy day at the Lobster Shop in the moring (stupid tall ships and their stupidness). So I am off now, and will leave you all with my best... and the contiuning urge for you to go see WALL-E!!! COMON! JUST DO IT!

<3 me

Spent the night over at Terra's new place last night, she moved into The Vintage, which is about 6-7 blocks away from my place.
We watched Juno (which I hadnt seen yet) and all I have to say is wow. That movie was pretty much amazing.

But yah. Sleep over's are awesome.
All in all, a good night.

Then today we had Movie Night at Jamie and Stephanie's place, and movie of the month was Evil Dead 2. I think out of the 12+ people there, I was one of 3 to have seen it before. Then we played Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros.

Now I am reading, and considering passing out.
I think sleep sounds amazing!

The new Weezer album isnt really all that great... better than The Green Album and Make Beleive though... but still not all that great.

So, I had been waiting for June to roll around forever, mostly because The Venture Bros. season 3 was airing, and did, last Sunday the 1st.
It was awesome, as I only imagined it could be.

I wont really go in depth to my love of the show, and all the reasons why I feel like it is one of the best shows on television, but what this post is mostly about is this....

http://www.astrobasego.com/shirtoftheweek.html

So, yah. They have hardly released any promotional material for that show at all. And for the longest time i've wanted something more than my 2 dvd cases to show off my love of the show. And here we find they are releasing a t-shirt to coincide with each episode of this season.
I wanted to subscribe to the whole 13 week deal, getting 14 shirts for $250 smackers, but I just couldnt push myself to spending that kind of dough on shirts. But I did pick up the first one, because the Guild of Calamitous Intent is just so badass.
Anyway...
Just wanted to say that about that.

Night all.

I went to bed fairly early last night because I was under the impression that I was training a new employee today. I got to work earlier than anticipated, and got set up to train, only to have my manager walk through the door and tell me that he was not showing up today, as he had called this morning complaining of "being sick".

Rebecka was sick last night, it was my birthday, and I didnt do anything but take care of her, and go to bed early so that I could be at work early.

Fuck this new guy, fuck him in his stupid face.

I can tell you what, after all this if they still let him work there, I will not be his best pal.

Going to get rediculously drunk tonight... rediculously.

Subject says it all.
Just a terrible day.

I mean, I guess it was nothing out of the ordinary or anything considering the regular monotany my life entails, but comon... really?

Thanks to all of you who called, or texted, or left me fun internet messages.

I dont really feel like doing anything. I'm going to therefor go into my room, put my headphones on, listen to something amazing, perhaps Handlebars by the Flobots, the new Death Cab, or maybe just some Kid A, and read the rest of Siddhartha. It will sadly be the most interesting thing i've done all day.

And the clock keeps on ticking.

Been pretty pissed off most of the day.

I think the fact that I usually have monday's and tuesday's off is contributing to that. My work schedule changes drastically, but lately it has seemed that I always get monday and tuesday off in exchange for my supervising saturday lunches and training shit loads of new employees the rest of the week. I dont mind having monday and tuesday off, it doesnt really coincide with anyone elses work though, so that sucks.
But when all the sudden they royally fuck the schedule and hire a new employee (who needs to be trained), and dont schedule me (the only trainer)... that means I have to come in on my days off. Consider I had mon/tues off last week, that means I just hit up day 6 in a row, and I will be on every day this week on through Mother's Day. Something like 12, 13 days in a row at the Shop. I need the money, but COMON!!

Today has pissed me off in other ways, ways that are more simple, yet perhaps are just personal nuisances. For instance, Rebecka wore flip-flops/sandals to school today because it was bloody nice out. When I pick her up, my step-mom (who works at Becka's school) left me a note asking my not to allow her to wear flip-flops to school because she "falls down too much".
Now I realize she is just looking out for her safety, but seriously, the sunshine is out and it is approaching summer. Is she just supposed to wear tennis shoes all year long?!

Money, and it's ramifications have been something annoying me as of late as well. I'm used to money being handled one particular way, and everything being hunky dory. Well it hasnt been lately. Derick and I have been on shakey ground when it comes to the money subject. I'm not sure if he beleives that he only was giving me X dollars a month when we were paying off some bills, or if he simply doesnt have the money to pay me. I feel uncomfortable bringing it up to him, because he is family and we are also good friends. But it has strained our relationship, and my sanity.
I simply dont know how to bring it up to him... I dont want to sound rude.
I spend so much money a month on groceries and cook dinner for him and Rebecka monday through thursday each week. It isnt cheap, and as someone put it to me, most roommates just buy, make, and eat their own food.
I simply feel it would be doing something wrong if I were to make a meal for just Rebecka and myself and then watch him eat Top Ramen or something. If i'm already cooking, I might as well make extra...
I dont even know. I just want to be out of debt, I want to not look at bill's each month and wonder, "How?" or "Why?"

It is also Cinco De Mayo, which means 10 days till my birthday, and is kind of (in my mind) the pre-birthday "fuck you".
I realize I am in the situation I am because of my own actions, and I understand that. But I wish I had friends who were calling me right now, drunk, asking me where I am. Or when they will see me. I wish women responded to my advances, subtle as they may be. It would be nice to not send out a million text messages to fun people, only to not hear back from them... maybe ever.

I never go out on Cinco De Mayo, and if I do, I have Rebecka. I don't have Rebecka tonight, as she is with her mom and they are out to dinner (to which I was actually invited). However I am also rediculously broke. And therefore if I go out, it will all end up on one of my random Credit Cards, and then I will just be continuing the cycle I am trying so so so hard to break.

Instead I am doing laundry, and wondering just what to do next. Probably nothing. I will probably fold laundry, put it away and then do nothing.
Always nothing.

Good night.

I totally tricked Chris into going to meatspin.com...

I WIN! HE LOSES!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to go make dinner.

So on a whim last night while I was being a shut in and waiting for midnight to roll around for the launch of Grand Theft Auto IV I decided to send a little message to Michele Rempher on AIM just to see if she was actually available, which she was. We chatted for awhile catching up, and it came up that she was in the process of moving, and was in town, and I didnt have to work [today] so we should hang out. Which we did.
I got a couple sixers and headed out to NE Tacoma, a place I havnt been in too long.. considering I used to spend countless hours, and days out there.

It was a blast I think, and as she called it: "a cuddlefest".
We talked, and caught up quite a bit, ended up watching most of a movie and then proceeded to watch late night Adult Swim, and Aqua Teen Hunger force On Demand. It was so laid back and fantastic to just sit with an old friend and be on the same page.
Considering her recent job at a "day care" we had alot to talk about in terms of children and how their world is so much different than our own, and it is on alot of levels better that way.

Neither of us had been getting much sleep lately, and it was an odd coincidence that we were able to comiserate on that fact. Ironically enough, we both slept immediatly following many beers and late night tv/movie watching. It has been a long time since I had cuddled with someone who wasnt Rebecka, and it was pretty damn awesome.

Now it is noon, I have teriyaki and GTAIV and I dont need to pick Rebecka up for approx. 3 hours.
Time to be a shut in, closet case nerd again. At least for a few hours.

So I decided to do a little cleaning of the LJ, as it has been a serious time since I had done so. I had a weird nostalgia doing it too, like I was recalling some synapse that fired when I last did it. I think I even recollected a scent, or feeling regarding it. But was really unable to grasp it.

Had a long phone conversation with Steven the other day, he called me crying about a dog that he had fallen for that his step-father ran over. We talked about many things including that, also our metaphysical existences and how they apply to our real world image and also many philosophical ideas. We talked about Herman Hesse books and idea's brought up in them.

I feel like I lose some of my poignancy with people, as I am not as well educated as others. I certainly have the street smarts, and if I do something once i'm pretty much set. But book smarts are something I am lacking... and alot of my peers and friends are pretty damn book smart. Steven high on that totem pole.

Auna moved back to town today. I'm not sure how I feel. I feel good because it means she will get to see Rebecka more often, she is in fact spending the night over there with her tonight. But I also feel like with her close by again, I dunno hour our relationship will continue. It has been strained for so long, and as of late it has become much more lax in our arguments and way we deal with each other.
I really have no interest in relationships, but yet I do. I want someone to be there for me, and to understand me without much effort. But I dunno how I can expect that without being able to reciprocate that feeling.
I think Auna and I have left that far behind us, and I can only hope that we can simply be adults and manage our relationship with tact for the sake of Rebecka. It certainly has seemed to be much calmer lately than it ever was before.
One of the biggest hopes I have for her moving back is that I may finally be able to be a dinner server at the Lobster Shop. That was my orignal intention after getting hired there when Auna and I still lived together, however those hopes were shattered the week I stared when our relationship shattered into a million fragments.
I have had 2 seperate promotions since then, and have since become the sole (yet I will have a trainee trainer soon) lunch trainer, and Saturday (plus a smattering of off days) lunch manager. I still feel like I do the best simply being a server with no strings attached.

Speaking of work, I work with alot of really awesome people, and for the longest time I have been pineing over a girl named Terra. She was one of my earlier trainee's after I got my promotion at work, and we seemed to really click on alot of levels, and continue to do so. But she is in a relationship already, and it's hard to want to push someone to leave a relationship to pursue something that may never work, or to even let them know your feelings. She does know how I feel, and she has reciprocated to a degree... but only in theory. It certainly is more a friendship than it is anything at all, and that may be the only thing it ever will be.
Sometimes I wonder where my feelings for people even come from. I overanylyze so much that I never know what I really want. Second guessing is one of my biggest downfalls... perhaps it always will be.

I have been recollecting random memories as of late, it could be that I have hit a dry spell in my life. When nothing extremely interesting or new comes around you often let your mind wander, and it will latch onto as many things as it can.
I have recalled countless parties and people I have met. Some of the best were when I was spontaneous... I hardly ever do anything spontaneous anymore.
I recall a particularly fantastic trip in which Kim, Jenessa, Lauren and I drove to Walla Walla to visit Allison Boomer at Whitman, and later Michele, Jess and Jake joined us. We sat in freshly threshed wheat fields and watched the sun set and ate cheese and drank wine.
I then proceeded to bolt full speed down a hill, only to find out it dropped off about 6 feet at the bottom, to which I fell into a pile of sticker bushes and got the wind knocked out of me.
I remember feeling foolish, but so very alive.
We then went to a on campus party where we proceeded to get incredulously drunk, and I danced and made out with some random incredibly hot girl that everyone had to stop me from going home with. I ended up sick as a dog with the flu from that whole experience... but it was all well worth it.
What I wouldnt give to experience something like that all over again.

Going camping with the men in the Olympics... oh how I miss that. I really hope this new trip in Sept. will work for all parties... because I really need to see all these fantastic people, and spend a week in nature with them. Jake, Chance, Peter, Steven, Joe... I need them all. But yet as we become adults we seperate for most of the time... it is sad. I suppose that may be what makes those short times you spend together so amazing. But I wish it could never end.

I miss a certain someone, and she knows it. I sometimes wonder how things could be today if I had made different choices.. we have always been very different people... but as we have gotten older and more intelligent and tolerant, I feel like our differences are what makes the two of us kindred.

I miss Jake already. It has only been a week since he headed back off to Alaska. I hope he is able to read this at some point. I really miss him already. I hope he doesnt think that my great friendship that has developed with his older brother isnt some kind of substitution for him, because that could never be the case... they are simply too different of people!!!
It's funny how when your growing up a few years in age makes a world of difference. All the time I spent at Jake's house as a kid was always in awe as to the stoicism and intelligence of his brother... and I still feel the same way. But I look at him as an equal now and i'm certain he feels the same way. In fact, if there was anyone out there that I had such a good relationship with, but yet was still able to butt heads with regularly it would be Jamie...

I am excited to start writing in here again. I feel like I might have some things to say, i'm not entirely certain yet what those things may be. But I hope that they come to me on a regular basis.
Now it is time to reflect.
And maybe masterbate.

Everyone else in the world if having fun. I spent my sunday evening at my mom's in Roy cleaning out her van, then my car. Then I ate pizza and watched 24 with my mom and her boyfriend.
Sometimes I think I am a shut in.
Actually. Sometimes I know I am a shut in.

*sigh*